Life on Mars (Episode 421)
First Aired: Wednesday, 30th April, 2003
Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin
Story: Paul Redford & Dee Dee Myers
Director: John David Coles















Stop It!
Josh's Office / Bullpen. Donna tries to concentrate while working at Josh's desk, but gets distracted by a tapping noise.

DONNA: Stop it. (after a few moments of silence, she hears the tapping noise again) Stop it. (and again) Stop it. (and again) You have to stop it. (and again) Stop it! (she gets up and walks over to the window, where the noise is revealed to be a bird tapping against the window) Stop it--you are going to hurt your beak. Stop it!
JOSH: What the hell are you doing?
DONNA: I'm sorry, but this bird has been sitting here tapping on the window for--I'm not kidding, I don't know how long, but for a long time. I've lost track because I'm moving into certain phases of dementia with this thing.
JOSH: Well, let me get rid of it.
DONNA: No, no, no, no, no!
JOSH: What?
DONNA: What are you going to do?
JOSH: I'm going to scare him away.
DONNA: No.
JOSH: Why?
DONNA: (shakes her head) It's not nice.
JOSH: I'm not going to hurt him, I'm just goi--
DONNA: No, come on--he's a bird, he's not bothering anybody.
JOSH: In a second he's going to be bothering me though, right?
DONNA: No. (she turns to the bird, which has continued the tapping throughout their entire conversation) Stop it! No, because you're going to want to go see Leo right now.
JOSH: Why?
DONNA: Carol got a call in the Press Office--did the White House press the Justice Department to call off their antitrust investigation of Cassion.
JOSH: No.
DONNA: No ... what?
JOSH: No, we didn't.
DONNA: You don't want take the call to Leo?
JOSH: Justice didn't call off the investigation, they reached a settlement with Cassion.
DONNA: The call was from the Post, and they say they have a source.
JOSH: You work with CJ's office to run down the source, I guess, and see what's going on.
DONNA: You're saying I can do this?
(Joe Quincy knocks on Josh's open door)
JOE: Excuse me.
JOSH: Hey! (to Donna) Hang on. (to Joe) How's it going so far?
JOE: Good. Thanks. I was wondering if I had a few questions for Leo McGarry, do I go straight to his office, or do you like me to run it by you first?
JOSH: At the beginning, I'm going to ask you to give me a quick hit, just so you can learn how to keep the crazy stuff out of his office.
(the bird continues its tapping)
JOSH & DONNA: Stop it!
JOSH: Why, what do you got?
JOE: Uh ... a reporter looking at the White House suppressing a NASA Commission.
JOSH: (frowning) This is two in one day--I just got "Did the White House interfere with Cassion antitrust." (to Donna) Yeah. You can go ahead and work with CJ's office, and (to Joe) sure.
DONNA: Thanks.
(she and Joe start to leave when Josh calls them back)
JOSH: Wait. What did they say we got in exchange for calling off the DOJ?
DONNA: A hundred thousand computers in classrooms.
JOSH: They said that--you weren't just making a joke?
DONNA: No.
JOSH: They said that to--Carol said the reporter said that?
DONNA: Yeah.
JOSH: Well, now we go see Leo.












I Am The Law!
Same scene, continuous. Josh, Donna and Joe head out from Josh's office into the Bullpen towards Leo's office.

DONNA: So you're our new sawbones?
JOE: Sawbones is a doctor.
DONNA: Is it?
JOE: Yeah. Lawyer's a shyster.
DONNA: (to Josh, pleased) I got him to say it.
JOE: I don't ... Josh is a lawyer!
DONNA: Well, yeah--I mean he went to law school, but ... (Josh gives her an evil look) ... you don't practice law is all I was saying.
JOSH: I don't practice law? I help write the laws. I write the laws. I make the laws. I am the law!
DONNA: We're having a problem with the bird outside our office. Are you having that problem?
JOE: Oh, better than that. I think I may have a family of bats.











A Hundred Thousand Computers
Later the same scene, continuous. Josh, Donna and Joe meet with Leo (and Margaret) in Leo's office.

JOSH: Did we get the Justice Department to call off its antitrust investigation with Cassion?
LEO: They didn't call it off, they settled.
JOSH: I know. But ask Donna what they bribed us with. (to Donna) Tell him what the Post said we got in exchange for calling off Justice.
DONNA: A hundred thousand computers in classrooms. (Josh and Leo exchange a look) What?
LEO: That was part of the settlement--a hundred thousand computers.




Many thanks to Misdirection for the wonderful screencaps!

For fan fiction relating to this episode, visit Those Stories, a Josh and Donna post-episode fiction archive.

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