Hartsfield's Landing (Episode 314)
First Aired: Wednesday, 27th February, 2002
Writer: Aaron Sorkin
Director: Vincent Misiano

You Didn't Sleep With The Flender Girl, Did You?
Josh's office. He calls for Donna from his desk.

JOSH: Donna? Donna!
(she bursts through the door at the same moment Josh attemps to open it, almost knocking him over in the process)
DONNA: Yeah?
JOSH: You know--
DONNA: I was coming.
JOSH: You were taking your time.
DONNA: I don't have warp speed.
JOSH: Do you remember Jennifer Flender--the daughter of the mom and pop who had the tackle shop?
DONNA: Mackie and Roberta Flender.
JOSH: Yes.
DONNA: The Flenders.
JOSH: The daughter just e-mailed me and told me her parents are voting for Ritchie tonight.
DONNA: Why is she e-mailing you?
JOSH: She e-mails me.
JOSH: She's got a little crush on me.
DONNA: You didn't sleep with the Flender girl, did you?
JOSH: She's 20 years old.
DONNA: Mackie's got guns, Josh, and doesn't like Northerners.
JOSH: He lives in New Hampshire.
DONNA: Still--
JOSH: It doesn't matter. Mom and Pop are voting for Ritchie and they vote in Hartsfield's Landing. You've got to talk to them.
DONNA: What are you talking about?
JOSH: I'm not kidding. Two votes could be the margin.
DONNA: It's Hartsfield's Landing.
JOSH: Yeah.
DONNA: I thought we were just kidding around with this.
JOSH: We're not.
DONNA: It's 42 votes.
JOSH: That are cast at 12:01 and at counted at 12:07. The rest of New Hampshire doesn't come in until 9 p.m. That's 21 hours of the news having nothing to report but the winner in Hartsfield's Landing. I want it to be us. You have to get on the phone and talk to the Benders.
DONNA: The Flenders. Why me?
JOSH: They liked you. They took you in, they fed you.
DONNA: You make me sound pathetic.
JOSH: You were pretty pathetic. And the Fenders fed you.
DONNA: Flenders!
JOSH: See? You remember their name, there's obviously a connection.
DONNA: Josh--
JOSH: Politics in New Hampshire is what?
DONNA: Retail.
JOSH: Thank you. Get on the phone, find out what their problem with the President is and solve it.
DONNA: All right, except I can't get on this phone.
JOSH: Why?
DONNA: It's a government phone. I can't use it to intimidate voters.
JOSH: Sad but true. You know what I'm thinking?
JOSH: A cell phone, Lafayette Park and a warm coat.
DONNA: I'm taking your coat.
JOSH: It's a good coat.
DONNA: I'm taking it.
JOSH: No problem.

It's Also Called Why The Flenders Aren't Voting For Us
Bullpen. Donna returns from her first phone call with the Flenders.

JOSH: How'd it go?
DONNA: They're not voting for us.
JOSH: Why?
DONNA: Because the old paper and pulp mill is still idle after five years.
JOSH: It's been five years, and why is it our fault?
DONNA: Because instead of protecting American jobs, we're letting Canadian pulp importers take over their marketshare.
JOSH: It's called free trade.
DONNA: It's also called why the Flenders aren't voting for us.
JOSH: Didn't you talk up our accomplishments?
DONNA: I couldn't think of them.
JOSH: Donna--
DONNA: They don't care about our accomplishments. They care about the market for paper towels and tissue products.
DONNA: Can I give them a commitment?
JOSH: A commitment?
JOSH: No! We're not making a trade commitment to the Flenders! We're not for protectionism, and neither are the Republicans. Tell them the President's been good for the economy overall.
DONNA: They say he's been bad for the economy.
JOSH: We're for affordable health care.
DONNA: What's affordable if you've lost your job at the pulp mill?
JOSH: The Flenders don't work at the pulp mill!
DONNA: Nobody works in the pulp mill.
JOSH: All right. If Canada's making cheaper pulp, then New Hampshire has to diversify. That's why the President's allocated 500 million dollars for trade adjustment assistance. That's why--write this down--that's why he's tripled small business start-up loans. That's why he's balancing the budget. Go.
DONNA: It's so warm in here.

What Am I, The Fish Guy?
Bullpen. Donna returns from her second phone call with the Flenders.

DONNA: Josh.
JOSH: How'd it go?
DONNA: I told them about the trade adjustment assistance.
JOSH: And?
DONNA: They're not wild about the Canadian pulp thing, but their real problem is tax policy. They want to go from an income tax to a sales tax.
JOSH: Is this going to end up with Mackie Flender as Fed Chair?
DONNA: I'm just telling you--
JOSH: Tell them the national sales tax is regressive. Poor people pay a much higher percentage of their income ... tell them we'll study it.
DONNA: Okay. Is the President destroying the economy to save salmon?
JOSH: No ...
DONNA: I'm having a hard time convincing them of that, too.
JOSH: There's no salmon in New Hampshire!
DONNA: Mackie's sister's friend lives in Oregon.
JOSH: Tell them we haven't made a decision on the salmon runs. Tell them salmon restoration is important to the economy.
DONNA: Do you even know what they're talking about?
JOSH: What am I, the fish guy? Tell them we're looking into it.
DONNA: They think the President's going to privatize social security.
JOSH: He's not going to--that's the other guys! He's not going to privatize social security! He'll privatize New Hampshire before he privatizes social security!
DONNA: Yeah but we haven't rolled it out.
JOSH: Because we told congress we'd keep an open mind!
DONNA: They'd really prefer if we rolled it out.
JOSH: Here. (he hands her a thick binder) Bartlet For New Hampshire. Gives all the reasons why Bartlet's for the people of New Hampshire. The Flenders ... everybody. All 17 of them, or whatever the hell goes on up there. Why are you wearing my coat?
DONNA: It's warmer than my coat.
JOSH: Okay. Go!

He's Sending 400,000 Troops And A Battery Of Patriot Missiles Just To Think About Holding Free Elections
Outside the White House / Josh's Office. Josh calls Donna on her mobile, and the scene is intercut between the two.

DONNA: Yeah.
JOSH: Yeah, it's me. I just want to remind you that child support collection's up 37 per cent.
DONNA: What?
JOSH: I said child support collection's up 37 per cent. We're cracking down on deadbeat dads. I want to make sure you tell them that.
DONNA: Okay.
JOSH: Leo was just here.
DONNA: Yeah?
JOSH: He was talking about Taiwan. He's sending 400,000 troops and a battery of patriot missiles just to think about holding free elections. It was one of those things ...
DONNA: Okay, listen--I've got to call them. We're running out of time.
JOSH: Yeah, okay.

Right Now, All I Know Is That They're Good On A Bagel
Outside the White House. Josh approaches Donna while she's on her mobile phone to the Flenders.

DONNA: Roberta--Roberta, those are all good points in perfectly valid areas of disagreement. But what I don't understand--I was saying, what I don't understand is, you guys were such fans of the President--you loved him when he was governor, you worked so hard for him when he was campaigning ... yeah ... yeah ... Well, he didn't lie ... No, he didn't lie, Mackie, and I'll--I'll tell you what else, the man just accepted a Congressional censure and I think it's time .... And he should be held to a higher standard, and believe me he holds himself to a higher standard, but sometimes he can't meet it, because--Presidents aren't kings! This one's an economist from New Hampshire, and I think it's time for you to get off your horse!
JOSH: Donna!
DONNA: I'm standing out here in the middle of the night--
JOSH: Donna.
DONNA: Hold on, please. (to Josh) You know, I kind of had them on, too.They're shocked and appalled and disappointed, but really they're none of those things--they just wish they were. So they're never missing an opportunity to feel morally superior. I don't know--what do you want me to do now?
JOSH: Let them vote.
DONNA: What does that mean?
JOSH: I came out here to tell you to let them vote. (he takes the mobile phone) Yeah, this is Josh Lyman. We just want and call and thank you again for all your work, and remind you that the polls in Hartsfield's Landing open in 14 minutes. You got the chains in the truck, Mackie? ... Okay, listen, tell your sister in Oregon I'm going to try and learn about salmon. Right now, all I know is that they're good on a bagel ... Goodnight. (to Donna) Maybe they are morally superior. Anyway, they get to vote. (beat) It's freezing out here.
(with his hand on the small of her back, Josh guides Donna through the White House gates and back into the West Wing)

Many thanks to Misdirection and the now-defunct Foggy Bottom for the wonderful screencaps!