Han (Episode 504)
First Aired: Wednesday, 22nd October, 2003
Teleplay by: Peter Noah
Story by: Peter Noah, Mark Goffman & Paula Yoo
Director: Christopher Misiano

Live Brie Or Die!
Corridors of the West Wing / Bullpen. Josh and Donna discuss the VP confirmation and cheese (arguably, the same thing).

JOSH: Congressman Thiele needs to come over before the VP confirmation vote.
DONNA: Which is noon?
JOSH: Senate's noon, House votes at four. Get him in after the Punch and Judy show.
DONNA: The citizenry would be comforted knowing that's how you refer to the President's economic advisors.
JOSH: The citizenry doesn't have to sit in a room with them.
DONNA: Why do you want Thiele?
JOSH: He's voting against. Confirmation's going to be 534 to one.
DONNA: A squeaker like this, I can see why you want to squeeze him.
JOSH: If Thiele's the only no vote, he's catch of the day for a week, gets on every talk show explaining why Russell's a lousy choice for VP.
DONNA: Which you agree with.
JOSH: But don't want anyone saying out loud.
DONNA: Sorry.
JOSH: I either have to turn him, or get ten other guys to vote no.
DONNA: So if I tell you something, could you try not to be so you about it?
JOSH: Yeah, what's going on?
DONNA: I'm taking my aunt and uncle from Wisconsin--who are perfectly nice people--on a tour of the White House later today, and I'd rather not go through an entire morning of cheesehead jokes, which are beneath you anyway--
JOSH: Know what's the state bird of Wisconsin? The Muenster. State motto? "Live brie or die!" It narrowly beat out "You can have my wheel of cheddar when you pry it out of my cold, dead, stinky fingers!"

You Mean ... Cheese?
Lobby. Donna stops Josh as he leaves Leo's office and introduces him to her relatives.

DONNA: Josh! My Aunt Barbara and Uncle Ted.
JOSH: Hi! Good to meet you both. (he shakes their hands) Welcome.
DONNA: Any chance of getting them into the concert tonight?
JOSH: Oh ... sorry. There are senators on the waiting list -- mostly Republicans. (he snickers, but Donna looks mortified as her aunt and uncle exchange an awkward glance) You're Republicans ... there's a rehearsal or something I can get you into this afternoon.
AUNT BARBARA: Wonderful.
UNCLE TED: Donna tells us you're meeting with the economic advisors?
JOSH: Not so much meeting as fighting off slipping into a coma.
UNCLE TED: (laughs) Pretty dense, eh?
JOSH: Plus, they never agree, yet no one is remotely afflicted by doubt.
DONNA: It's like with diets, (Josh frowns in confusion) how there's all these different diet theories, all completely contradictory, when most doctors agree that the healthiest advice is just to eat a variety of foods in moderate amounts.
JOSH: Uh huh.
DONNA: Maybe that's the approach to take with the economists. Take from every theory in moderation.
JOSH: Yeah ... interesting.(beat) So, Ted, what is it that you do?
UNCLE TED: I'm a sales rep for a dairy consortium.
JOSH: You mean ... cheese?
(Donna shoots him a warning look)
TED: Absolutely!
JOSH: Well ... enjoy your tour. Have fun. (he walks away, then half turns back, about to say something, but checks himself and continues on his way instead)

Yeah, Tell Her Never Mind
Corridor of the West Wing. Donna calls out (off-screen) to Josh as he walks past.

DONNA: Josh, Dori Macklin from the Post returning your call on three.
JOSH: Yeah, tell her never mind.

Perfectly Nice People
Josh's office. Donna ties his tie before the piano concert.

DONNA: (smiles) Thank you for earlier.
JOSH: You were absolutely right--they were perfectly nice people.
DONNA: I meant when I went into that whole diet/economics harangue.
JOSH: That was quite an oratorio.
DONNA: I was showing off and it was ridiculous, and you didn't make fun of me and I appreciate it.
(she moves in to tie his tie and Josh watches her closely, almost awkwardly, for a moment)
JOSH: You know, the President made almost the exact same basic point this afternoon.
DONNA: Very funny.
JOSH: It's true, actually. It was uncanny.
DONNA: (softly) Oh, my God.
JOSH: Of course, he left out the whole goofy diet part.
DONNA: Don't blow it now.
JOSH: Perfectly nice people ... (he picks up his tuxedo jacket and walks out) ... for residents of the only state that considers rinds one of the four major food groups.

Many thanks to Misdirection for the wonderful screencaps!

For fan fiction relating to this episode, visit Those Stories, a Josh and Donna post-episode fiction archive.

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