Dead Irish Writers (Episode 315)
First Aired: Wednesday, 6th March, 2002
Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin
Story: Paul Redford
Director: Alex Graves

Come To The Party
Bullpen / Corridors of the West Wing. Josh finds Donna, dressed in a ballgown, distributing reports to various desks.

JOSH: Donna!
DONNA: Hello.
JOSH: What are you doing here?
DONNA: Are you having a good time?
JOSH: The party's started.
DONNA: Is the champagne flowing as smoothly as the badinage? Are there elegant men and beautiful gowns?
JOSH: The men are in tuxes.
DONNA: And beautiful gowns, I said, not in beautiful gowns.
JOSH: What are you doing here?
DONNA: There was a problem when the Secret Service did its routine background check on the guest list.
JOSH: A problem with what?
DONNA: With me.
JOSH: Donna, you work in the White House. You fly with the President. What's the problem?
DONNA: I do not know.
JOSH: Come with me. Come to the party.
(he puts his arm around her waist and tries to guide her away)
DONNA: I don't think I should do that.
JOSH: Why?
DONNA: Well, they'll shoot me.
JOSH: They wouldn't tell you what the problem was?
DONNA: They said they'd get back to me.
JOSH: You want me to get into it?
DONNA: That would be very nice.
JOSH: Okay. (he looks her up and down) You look good.
DONNA: Thanks.

They're Saying I'm Not A US Citizen?
Josh's Office. Donna plays cards at Josh's desk as he enters.

DONNA: They covered the arrivals on the news. Everyone looks so nice ... and happy.
JOSH: I brought you some food.
DONNA: What's going on?
JOSH: Well, l-I don't have all the answers, but it's pretty weird so far.
DONNA: What?
JOSH: Secret Service says there's an INS notation next to your name.
DONNA: What kind of notation?
JOSH: US citizen ... N.
DONNA: They're saying I'm not a US citizen?
JOSH: No, it ... yes.
DONNA: I-I don't understand.
JOSH: They're saying--
DONNA: I'm a US citizen! I was born in Minnesota, we moved to Wisconsin, now I live in Washington--what the hell happened?
JOSH: A mistake of some kind.
DONNA: You think?
JOSH: We're sorting it out.
DONNA: I voted in every election since I--I payed, by the way, taxes as a citizen of this country. I have a birth certificate and a passport!
JOSH: It'll just take a few more minutes.
DONNA: You brought food?
JOSH: Olives.
DONNA: Go away.
JOSH: All right.
DONNA: Give me the olives.
JOSH: Okay.

I Was Gone For 45 Minutes--They Were All Americans When I Left!
Ballroom. Abbey stands with CJ and Amy as Donna approaches her.

DONNA: Mrs. Bartlet?
DONNA: Excuse me ... but I'm so sorry about the way I spoke before.
ABBEY: Oh, don't be! You were good. I've got a surprise for you coming up.
DONNA: Really?
(Josh walks up directly to Donna, straight past Amy. Amy's face says it all ...)
JOSH: Excuse me.
JOSH: Donna ... (he stops, realizing what he just did) Actually, first of all, Amy--
AMY: Yes?
JOSH: (whispers) I understand and I forgive you.
AMY: You forgive me?
JOSH: I do.
AMY: What the hell kind of thing is--
ABBEY: Honey ...
AMY: (flat) Thank you for forgiving me, Josh, I appreciate that.
JOSH: No problem.
AMY: Jackass.
JOSH: Donna. You're an American again. INS has a grandfather clause--if you pass a three-part literacy test, an American history exam, fill out a one-page form, you're back.
DONNA: My adopted country.
ABBEY: Well Josh, I kind of wish you'd mentioned this before.
JOSH: Why?
(the orchestra strikes up "O Canada")
ABBEY: You were very good in there, Donna.
JED: (shouts) What the hell is going on?
ABBEY: Shhh!
JED: I was gone for 45 minutes--they were all Americans when I left!
DONNA: I know exactly how you feel, Mr President.

Many thanks to The West Wing Collection for the wonderful screencaps!