Consituency of One (Episode 505)
First Aired: Wednesday, 29th October, 2003
Teleplay: Eli Attie
Story: Eli Attie and Michael Oates Palmer
Director: Laura Innes

She'll Be Proud Of Her Little Birthday Boy
Bullpen / Corridors of the West Wing. Josh skims the article about him as Donna approaches.

DONNA: Did you read it?
JOSH: (staring at the article) I'm not reading it. There's some new stuff since the early edition.
DONNA: It's a great piece.
JOSH: It's a puff piece, so I'll return the reporter's calls, which I won't.
DONNA: (reading the article) "... A one-man congressional majority ... Bartlett's legislative juggernaut."
JOSH: It's an embarrassment. You should be stealing everyone's copies before they can read it--
DONNA: --and buring them on the south lawn?
JOSH: I'm serious. Save one for my Mom.
DONNA: She'll be proud of her little birthday boy.
JOSH: Look, Donna--no gifts, no parties ... just another day, okay?
DONNA: Coffee and ...?
JOSH: Yeah, with a ... thing.
DONNA: You have Senior Staff in five minutes, Ward Room at 7:45. You're not wearing a tie. (she lays a tie over his shoulder) Like your suit, though.
JOSH: Thanks.
DONNA: Liked it when you wore it yesterday, too.
JOSH: The Speaker's trying to roll us again on stimulus. This story about me sending the Congressman a dead fish wrapped in newspaper--did The Post get this from you?
JOSH: Coffee and a --
DONNA: Yeah.

What's Wrong?
(come on, you didn't seriously think I was going to title a Josh/Donna scene "I Need Amy", did you?)
Lobby of the West Wing. Josh walks past Donna after his meeting with Leo.

JOSH: Donna, I need Amy.
DONNA: What's wrong?
JOSH: Just ... I--I need Amy.

Take Ten, You're Over 21
Bullpen / Josh's office. Josh approaches Donna's desk.

JOSH: Five minutes with Amy?
DONNA: Take ten, you're over 21.
(Josh speaks with Ryan the intern about the article, then enters his office to find a dead fish wrapped in newspaper on his desk)
JOSH: We had a rule today--no gifts!
DONNA: Your birthday's not for you, it's for the rest of us.
JOSH: How's that work exactly?
DONNA: Well, we get to, I don't know ... eat cake and wear pointy little hats.
JOSH: Just don't tell anyone, okay? I don't want one of those sad-sack parties in the Indian Treaty Room where some guy from the OMB drones on about how I saved the aquatic weed subsidy.
DONNA: Amy doesn't have time for you this morning.
JOSH: Tell her to make time. I'm going to the Hill.

Do You Need Some Crisp One Dollar Bills And A Smock?
Roosevelt Room / Corridors of the West Wing. Donna makes Josh sign some papers and they walk and talk.

JOSH: Call Carrick's Chief of Staff. The launcher's off the table. Tell him ... tell him there's no such thing as a free launch.
DONNA: That's cute.
JOSH: I just made it up. (he starts to leave but Donna grabs his hand and guides it back to sign another paper)
DONNA: Amy can see you from 1:10 to 1:15.
JOSH: How about telling me I can see her? I got 5 minutes for her and she can wait in my office all day, if necessary.
DONNA: Amy can see you from 1:10 to 1:15.
JOSH: Fine.
DONNA: Is this a private birthday celebration? Do you need some crisp one dollar bills and a smock?
JOSH: It's a meeting--would you ... I don't do birthday celebrations.
DONNA: Childhood trauma, I presume?
JOSH: My seventh birthday, my parents hired a birthday clown--big nose, seltzer bottle, the whole drill, and he just did all his tricks for my sister. She even got to keep one of his floppy shoes.
DONNA: 'Kay, I wouldn't tell that to anyone else.
JOSH: Tell Amy's office I'm on my way.

It's Like Working In Moby Dick's Gym Locker!
Josh's office. Donna enters as Toby leaves.

JOSH: Donna! (to Toby) I'm fine on Carrick. Do your job. I'll do mine. (Toby leaves as Donna enters) It stinks in here. It's like working in Moby Dick's gym locker!
DONNA: What do you expect? There was a fish here all night.
JOSH: All night?
DONNA: Amy left it last night.
JOSH: Amy?

I'm Making It Public
Josh's office / Bullpen. Donna interrupts an argument between Josh and Amy.

AMY: I've got a constituency of one, too, Josh, but it's me.
(Donna appears in the open doorway, looking at them awkwardly and apologetically)
JOSH: (to Amy) Hang on. Just hang on a second, okay? (he goes into the Bullpen to speak with Donna)
DONNA: Senator Carrick held up another 56 promotions.
JOSH: What?
DONNA: The Army Secretary called--he wants to set up a meeting.
JOSH: Unless the meeting's to strap Chris Carrick to his idiot missile launcher and fling him headfirst into an ICBM, which he'll miss, then I'm not--
DONNA: The Army Secretary's concerned if it becomes public, it--
JOSH: I'm making it public.
DONNA: You are?
JOSH: I'm leaking to every newspaper in the known universe that Carrick's blocking military promotions, and that he's doing it for a hunk of pork barrel defense industrial scrap metal.
DONNA: Are you sure that's a good id--
JOSH: I'm calling his bluff. I'm making him crawl down here on his knees. I'll be in the press office.
(Josh leaves and Donna turns back to his office, where she sees Amy watching her from the doorway)

This Isn't About The Dead Fish
Corridors of the West Wing. Josh and Donna walk and talk.

JOSH: Hey. Anything from Amy?
DONNA: I left messages for her everywhere to come see you.
JOSH: Okay.
DONNA: This isn't about the dead fish.
JOSH: Not exactly, no.
DONNA: What happened?
JOSH: I think she's been fired--she thinks so. I kind of unloaded on her.
DONNA: Josh.
JOSH: She'll be back, but I don't know what she'll be--
DONNA: Find her. Forget about budget bills and poll samples and missile launchers, go find her.
JOSH: What else do I got?
DONNA: Senator Carrick's in the Roosevelt Room.
JOSH: Chris Carrick's here? Now?

Mural Room. Josh walks in on his surprise birthday party, but isn't much in the mood to celebrate.

Many thanks to the now-defunct Foggy Bottom for the wonderful screencaps!

For fan fiction relating to this episode, visit Those Stories, a Josh and Donna post-episode fiction archive.

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